One bite at a time.

How does Brians wife deal with cancer?

Several of you have asked how I, May, is dealing with this. The answer is

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I butikk nå: Sommerens lekreste kjoler

“One day at a time”.

If I get lost in the “what ifs” I find it easy to be discurraged and sad. Brian and I know we are dealing with cancer and there is no guaranties, the worst thing can happen. But we also know at this point, the doctors are doing everything they can to help Brian get healthy again, and they are going for a complete recovery. And if it comes back again, wich often happens with leukemia, they will threat him all over again. So I don´t find it helpfull at all to deal in the “what ifs”, for now I deal in “today”. And many days are somewhat good and peaceful. I mean, it is always there, but I don´t go around and am sad and crying all the time. I try to encourage our kids, Brian and myself to enjoy all the good times, laugh when it is something to laugh about and try and have a normal life whenever it is possible. I really hope our kids can enjoy summer, vacation and being with friends. And if sad times comes and when hard times are here, we deal with it then. One day at a time.

The last few days have been very hard on Brian, though, wich also makes them hard for me. Seeing him in such misary is painful. He has fever, no energy, low appetite and general not feeling good. The only thing I can do is to love him, hold his hand and try to encourage him as much as it is possible to encourage someone going through this.

And I pray. I pray like I have never prayed before and as much as I have ever prayed before. It helps. It calmes me down and I belive God has full control over what happens with Brian. Lots of friends and family have given Brian encouraging words and Bible-verses. The one is about Jesus needs the donkey to ride in to Jerusalem. In the same sentence Jesus promises he will return it quickly. So I am clinging to that word; Jesus is going to use Brian, but he will return him quickly. There is great hope and peace in that.

I would like to say a big Thank you! to all our friends and family who give us so much love, pray with us, encourage us and offer practical help. It really makes a huge difference in our lives, and I don´t have words to describe how much it means to us. We are humbly accepting it all, you guys helps us through this in ways you can not imagine. As I tried to describe it to our nice friend who brought over frech pizza rolls last night. It was a hard time at the hospital, and coming home, eating a roll was like getting a very nice hug.

It looks like that at some point in my treatment I am going to need a bone marrow transplant.  The doctor’s off looking in the international bone marrow register. And my kids and siblings will be tested to see if they are donors.

I’m running another fever but feel OK. Still need antibiotics. 

Pray for me. Pray that my fever breaks and that my immune system builds itself up strong again. Pray that my energy returns and that my appetite increases. Pray that I can continue to stay positive and see the little light points everywhere. Pray that I will be protected against infections and viruses while my body is in this vulnerable spot. Pray that I will be open to hearing God’s voice when He speaks to me.  Pray for strength and encouragement for my wife and kids. Pray that my body fixes itself the way it supposed to.  Pray they find a donor for me. Pray whatever God might be putting on your heart.

Today I was tube free. No Chemo, no antibiotics, no blood, no water, no nothin’.  Beside that Not much else really happened. May and I took a nice walk and I actually went outside for the first time in over a week. Then came back to my room and talked until she had to leave. 

I thought I was back in control of my emotions but apparently not.  At some point in the afternoon I was reminded of a touching little story from someone’s Facebook post years ago. Its sent me to tears and then I finally got to see the Gordon Ramsey show where he fixes up Ellicott City, MD after the flood.  That’s about a fifteen-minute drive from my parents house.  Again with the water works.  I should check and see if I got chemo or hormones.

I suspect that this blog could get pretty dull if I keep filling it with the same mundane things that happen to me every day. So, I am trying to think of ways to keep us entertained, informed and inspired that are not dependent on whether I am hooked up to a machine or have a fever.

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I butikk nå: Sommerens lekreste kjoler

On the bright side

The nectarines this year seem to be exceptionally sweet and juicy.  I love it.

Thank goodness there are no more toxins running through me. But the doctors say that now is when the tricky part starts.  The chemo has wiped out anything resembling an immune system that I had so all that old friendly bacteria that had been laying around helping me out the past forty plus years could at anytime rebel and try its hand at a coup. I’m not sure what I can do to help myself besides not introducing new germs and bacteria into my system. So I sit here, an arm’s length away from the nurses call button, ready to report any sign of mutiny.

In the same vein as the past two days, there is another topic that pops up. Something I’ve heard a lot recently is that it is allowed to complain. I know that it is, I’m actually pretty good at it.  But so far, on this adventure, I haven’t really had any reason to complain yet. Actually, up to this point I have been able to maintain an attitude of gratefulness.  So many things have gone right and quickly and been better than I had anticipated. That’s not to say its been a walk in the park, but nothing to complain about. Also, I feel if I start complaining already, I’ll be like the kids on a long road trip who start asking if we are there yet and saying they are bored before we’re even out of town.  I suspect that at some point I will get frustrated and cry out and ready to complain and lament.  And when I do it’s going to be good to know that my God has a sympathetic ear for me and lap to curl up in and be miserable.

On the bright side

May snuck me in two cheeseburgers last night. Not that that they are not allowed but it somehow makes my otherwise dreary existence a little more exciting if I think she smuggled them in for me. 

Round one of chemo is history. It’s nice to be free of the stand that I’ve been dragging around for the past week. Though I still need it at night for antibiotics, electrolytes and anything else to wake me up for 30 minutes while they add it or change it. 

I said yesterday that I would discuss why I am not scared of this fight I’m in, so here goes. Both my wife and I have such a calm over us that it can’t be anything but supernatural.  I am a details guys and my wife is an anxious worrier, so left to our own devices we would be asking and looking and reading and worrying and fretting about everything.  But we aren’t, both of us have peace, total and deep peace.

I’ve mentioned the enormous outpouring from all around the world. It has come from old friends, family members of friends, friends of friends. It’s stirred things inside of people I didn’t think could get stirred up. All of them have kind words, but some of them have messages, and consistently throughout the entire journey, no matter the relationship, the source or medium, the that message has been the same, that God is using this cancer battle for something beyond me. I figure that if I am part of His plan, I’ve got nothing to worry about.

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And if the absolute worse does happen and I die, I know what is going to happen to me. I know what the next step is and it’s nothing that I am afraid of.  I’ll be in Heaven because I believe in Jesus and accepted His sacrifice for me. 

On the bright side

It’s all bright side today baby! No chemo, no fear and lasagna for dinner.  

There are two questions I’ve been asked pretty often since this happened to me, I am I scared? and am I angry? Those haven’t really been issues for me, so the short answer has always been a simple no.  But since they keep coming up, I thought I’d go a little deeper into why I’m not scared and why I’m not angry. I’ll deal with anger today and fear tomorrow.

To be angry it would imply that there was someone or something for me to be angry with and that that person or thing had somehow done me an injustice. Neither of these have happened to.  I got cancer and it sucks, but it happens. It happens because we live in broken world where lots of horrible things happen every day. And this happened to me.  I don’t need to happy about it, but I do need to deal with it.  It’s the old “when life gives you lemons…” adage playing out here. There is no reason to waste your energy being angry, looking for someone to blame. Use your energies to heal and inspire others if you can.  And honestly as bad things go, getting Leukemia in Norway doesn’t rank that high on the crappy list.

There is real justice in the universe, its God’s justice, which is not the type of justice that determines whether you get cancer or win the lottery.  God’s justice is about bringing love, healing and restoration.

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Jakkene som får frem vårfølelsen

On The Bright Side:

May got her first covid vaccine today

After feeling like I’d been shipwrecked in a Scottish toilet for two days, I woke up this morning a new man.  More energy than I’d had in days and feeling pretty good. I sprung out of bed and did my thing like Mary Poppins. When I was finished I was out of energy but still felt well enough to continue my food quest.  So I grabbed a yoghurt, an egg a piece white bread (a rare commodity here in Norway) and it all went and stayed down. Same for lunch.  So having proved my hypothesis correct, I concluded the study. It has almost nothing to do with the food, its all up whatever is going on in my belly.

I have been running a fever of about 103 since Sunday. With everything else going on in and around me I have really noticed it.  But I have because I have to record my temperature and weight each morning and evening. And we do it the old fashion way because the old ways are the best ways. Even though they have machines that can scan your temp from three feet, or take your temp in your ear in about 3 seconds, but I guess nothing is quite as accurate as a good ‘ol rectal thermometer. It makes me ask myself, how does it get so warm where the sun don’t shine?

On the bright side:

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I did not have to eat or smell the horrible sour cream porridge that Norwegians eat on this day each year.  I guess (probably from experience) the hospital kitchen knows better than to try and serve that stuff to a bunch of nauseas sickies.

As days go it wasn’t the worst day (that would have been yesterday) but it wasn’t the best day either (comes behind pretty much every other day except Monday). Still running a fever and feeling generally crappy but trending upward.  Today I started to chart what I can and can’t eat.  My scientific conclusion at this early stage in the project is that it doesn’t matter one bit. With my immune system down my gut has changed, from an iron chamber that could digest wood and feathers if it needed, in to fickle diva, who might crave an orange one minute, then spit it back out an hour later. Or maybe keep it down all day or maybe she releases it into the bowels to be dealt with another way.  There is no rhyme or reason.

The encouragement and kind words and songs keep pouring in. It has been absolutely amazing who has written to me and how they have responded. God is full of surprises. I appreciate every message and I’m sorry I don’t write back in kind.  The past few days I haven’t been able to manage much more than a thanks. This blog is in part my response to the many many well wishes and encouragement that has run in.

As I lay in bed trying to pray and trying not to throw up on myself, I get the impression that its ok to just bask sometimes.  God knows my heart and where I am.  I am not always on but it  is ok to just soak up His love. And that is what I am doing.  Each message of love and encouragement is being absorbed so that I can use it to love and encourage others. 

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Vårens kuleste sneakers til henne

On the bright side

I think I kicked my coffee habit. I don’t like being addicted to things and caffeine has always had her powerful grip on me. It helped that the coffee here is horrible and the amount of coffee you get when you push the button on the machine isn´t enough for a proper cup of coffee but is to much to fit two servings in a cup

It really was the longest day.

I needed a day off from everything.  If you wrote on Monday and I didn’t write back or just gave a short reply it’s because I was out of it.  I got to enjoy all the side effects of chemo yesterday. I did a few things on my list but didn’t even bother trying to get it all done.  But we won’t discuss that here because as Thumper said “if ya ain’t got nothin’ nice to say then don’t say nothin’ at all.”

Another rough part about yesterday was feeling disconnected from God – I couldn’t pray – my mind would wander, or I would fall asleep. I couldn´t concentrate or recite scripture.  So I read a little in my Bible and then just put in some music and trying to sing along with some worship music.  Later in the evening I spoke to May and she said that we were going to have to worship our way through this.  She is right of course.

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Vårens kuleste sneakers til henne

On the bright side

I know that even when I feel far away or disconnected from God I’m not.  I know He’ll never leave me and that I am in His hand. 

An interesting aside:

I kind of figured I would lose my hair. I wasn’t sure how long it would take and since we’re not googling things, we didn’t google this either.  But I figured it would be soon than later. So when we packed Friday, we both laughed a little, no, I would not need to pack hair brush, shampoo or a razor.  Well, 4 days in, and I still have a full mane (maybe 2 or 3 strains less). Thank you Dad, for an amazing head of hair. And if you know me, you know my hair grows upwards and outwards, and it gets big and crazy, like Kramer.

I am drained.  I thought that the feeling sick part was going to the worst but for right now it is the complete lack of energy. I could have slept all day if I’d allowed myself.  Luckily I have my to do list and if I have a list, the items need to be checked out.  Sometimes my motivation for doing things isn’t to do them and get healthier, its to be able to check them off the list.  Call me crazy.

Speaking of crazy. I had a fever induced dream last night. The kind you only get when you have flu or take sleeping medicine.  I was chasing Aslan down the halls of the hospital and we were trying to figure out who stole all my blood and how to catch them and get it back. I woke up before we ever figured out who the culprit was. Sweaty and shaken, I took my temp and called the nurse who checked everything else and let me go back to sleep. It was the chemo that had caused the fever and not bacteria, so it was safe to let me go on.

Eating my way through this isn’t going to be easy as I thought.  I never thought that would be a problem but here I am force feeding myself grapes and nuts. Staying hydrated is going OK, two liters of water isn’t that much.

May came by and visited. And the kids all wished me a Happy Father’s Day (It’s US Father’s Day today.)  Unfortunately, I was so tired that I wasted most of my time with May. She is so patient with me.

On the bright side

I am so glad I have this Hicksman’s Catheter in my chest. With the number of medicines they are putting in me every day and the amount of blood they take out, I would be in absolute misery with all the needles and sticking I’d be getting.  But now I just lay there and they put in or take out whatever they want through one of the tubes coming out of my chest. Thank you God.