Into the thick of it – again

I got the news today. Or as the doctor said: The Bomb. Acute Leukemia, cancer of the blood.

I suppose I should say that we got the news today. My wife was sitting right there with me, holding my hand and taking the same blow to the gut as I was. 

We knew it was a real possibility but had held on to the hope that it might be something else. Anything else.  Until the doctor made it official, I had Schrodinger’s Cancer. Then suddenly I had cancer.  The big nasty thing we try not to talk about. (I understand that I had it the whole time, I had hope that I didn’t until I found out I did)  

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Interestingly we have a peace about us.  It can only be God’s peace.  The kind you read about – the peace that surpasses all understanding. Because left to our own devices we would have worried fretted ourselves to death already.  Beautifully this peace makes it possible to maintain a positive attitude and stay lighthearted about it.

I am so grateful we have God to lean on through this process.  I can’t imagine how difficult this must be for people who don’t have Him to cling to and cry out to during their difficult battles.

So the doctor told us the news and then sent directly to the University hospital in Oslo that specializes in cancer and cancer treatments. There we spoke to some very sympathetic caregivers and took more tests and more bone marrow samples. They told us about the amazing advances in cancer treatments that have been made in recent year.  Getting cancer today is completely different than it would have been getting cancer five years ago.  I’m certainly not glad I got this, but I am glad I got it now and not five or ten years ago – for so many reasons.

Then it was back in the taxi to the other hospital for a quick check before heading home for the evening.

My wife and I cried together, prayed together, supported each other, laughed together, made plans and mostly acted like teenage girls on an emotional roller coaster.  

We straightened up when we got home and told the kids, reassuring that I was going this thing’s @$$ and make a full recovery.  There were some tears and hugs and questions then they went off to process. 

I’m pretty sure a lot more happened but my head is spinning a million miles an hour inside of a bowl or pea soup – still in shock…

I got to sleep in my own bed and actually slept well. A combination of God’s peace and emotional exhaustion.

On the Brightside–

As I mentioned the treatment for this is designed to beat it. Not just send it into remission.  I am healthy, youngish, positive and it seems like we caught it early so there is every reason to believe that I will beat this.  I’m going all in for that. I know that it will be a long hard road that it will suck along the way but with God on my side, My wife at my side and the incredible network of friends and family that has surrounded us I am sure I’ll make it. And I kind of excited to see how God will use it.

God Wink

 As we were driving in the taxi to the University hospital in Oslo, The Cure came on the radio- my all time favorite band – I haven’t heard the Cure come on the radio in Norway in like 15 years – May (my beautiful wife) squeezed my hand and said exactly what i was thinking- “God is just giving you a little smile, letting you know He has your back”) The Cure on the way to hear about the cure.

As is my new pattern I woke up early to more blood tests and measurements, ate some breakfast, read a little and watched some TV.

Before my wife arrived for visiting hours, the doctor came in to discuss my situation.  She’s a cancer doctor and the head of the unit I was in.

She told me that they would need to run a few more tests aimed at confirming whether or not I had cancer of the blood.  She would have to do the test promptly so that they could be on the 11am shuttle to the lab in Oslo that day.

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After the routine blood tests, she rolled me on my side felt for the closest part of my hip to the surface, numbed me with a local anesthetic and stuck in what I can only imagine was a long hard sharp needle. I may sound casual as I write this, but the event was anything but.  The doctor knew exactly what she was doing, how to do it and where to do it.  It was a success as she sucked small tubes of bone marrow out of my hip.  It was a weird feeling, like when you suck snot out of your sinuses, only it was inside my hip bone. 
After that the real work started. The doctor needed a tissue sample from inside my hip bone. This would require her screwing some sort of long metal rod into my hip and taking a core sample. She lined up the tool and started turning, and twisting, and screwing.  I was still numb so I couldn’t feel anything except that some one was back there pressing into me, but it didn’t hurt.  I could feel her working hard.  After a little bit she mentioned how hard my bone was and how difficult it was to get through.  But she kept going and eventually got what she needed.  Thank God.  When she was through, she patched me up, rolled me over and told me that we could expect the results tomorrow morning. I could go home and spend the night but needed to be back by 9 am tomorrow morning. And she wanted me to bring my wife in case it was going to be bad news.

I limped around until my wife came took me home.

What a long night this could have been. A million thoughts running through my mind.  Did I have cancer of the blood? Were we going to find out that it was something else and that there was nothing to worry about? Was I going to die?  Would I be laughing about the whole thing tomorrow?  I allowed my mind to wander a little before I reeled it back it.  I didn’t google anything because I know that that only leads to trouble and worry.  I asked God for peace and actually got a good night sleep on a night that could have easily been the longest night of my life.

On the bright side

I live in Norway and all this is happening so fast. I think of all the places the to get sick in the world, this must be one of the best.  I know that the US has some of the best hospitals in the world and they are leading the way in most of the cancer treatment breakthroughs.  But the system there is flawed.  It takes too long to see a doctor who can give you a diagnosis and start a treatment.  Enough about that.

My name is Brian Howard, most of you reading this know me but probably not everyone. Here’s a little introduction. I’m a forty-seven-year-old American expat living in Norway. I am a husband, father, son, brother, friend and above all a child of God.  Until a few days ago I was just a normal guy living my normal life, with my extraordinary wife. I was healthy and oblivious to any problems inside of me, but that changed pretty quickly, and the changes are still coming at me fast and furious. 

The day before this story began my wife and I, who are avid travelers and former missionaries, decided to start a travel blog. I know nothing about blogging but if everyone else could do it so could I. I had already spoken to a guy who was going to help me get started and guide me through the start up. I’d even written a few stories and articles. But you know… The best laid plans of mice and men… I won’t be traveling any time soon, but I will be going through the roughest adventure I’ve ever had, so I thought maybe I’ll journal this adventure and prepare myself for whatever comes afterward.

The rules for this journal are that it will be honesty, positive, informative, and hopefully a little funny or at least lighthearted on the days I can manage it. I will not be posting pictures of my wounds, tubes, scars or meds.  I will be honest and open, keeping it real but trying to dwell on the positive instead of the negative – everyone knows cancer and chemo suck, I don’t need to tell you that and you don’t want to read about it.  I’ll keep it as up to date as my health and condition allow and try to catch up on the good days.  This will have a definite Christian lean to it as my relationship with Jesus is a huge part of what will be getting me through this mess.

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Another note about the blog – it starts with Day -4 (minus four) and counts down to Day 1, when the doctors made the diagnosis official, after that it’s numbered as normal.

If you at any point have a question or comment, please feel free to contact me. I’d love to hear from you.  If you think it might help, please send the blog to someone who needs a little encouragement or a different perspective.

Woke up in the hospital, took some blood tests and blood pressure measurements. Then I got to go home for the day.

I realized today what an emotional wreck I was.  I tried to recount the previous night’s events to my wife but broke down every time I opened my mouth.

We started getting supportive messages coming in from all sorts of sources, from all over the world. Each word of encouragement or offer of kindness brought me to tears. I was a weepy mess, but I needed to let it out.

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I spent the better part of the day on my deck and in my living room holding court for my kids and assuring them that this was nothing to worry about and that we’d be laughing about this in a few days.

I had to be back by 9:00 pm to get measured and tested one last time before crawling into bed and falling asleep.

On The Brightside

My wife is incredible.  She is strong and compassionate. She is funny and smart and she loves me just as I am.  She halves my pain and doubles my joys.  She is strong when I’m weak and lets me be me, warts and all.  I don’t know what I would do to get through this without her.  I thank God everyday for the wonderful blessing He gave me in May-Helen.

I have no recollection of this day ever taking place. 

I’ve checked and it is still on the 2021 calendar so it did take place.

If I had to guess… probably more blood tests and blood pressure measurements.

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My wife says we went for a walk, which I remember, but could not have put a date or time on it.

I do have a recollection from Saturday night though. I was trying to fall asleep in my hospital room, mentally tossing and turning, when all of the sudden I was convinced that I was going to die and leave my family helpless. Panic set in and I was scared to death. I lay there crying. It was like I was I in Dumbo’s psychedelic nightmare, shadowy things were flying through my mind.  Then I heard Michael W Smith’s voice in my head “The Word says, for the spirit of heaviness, put on the garment of praise” (from the live intro to His song Surrounded)  I grabbed ahold of that word and started singing.  I started with Surrounded and sang whatever praise song came into my mind. I don’t know how long I kept this up but at some point at I realized I was completely at peace and actually feeling encouraged.  After that I slept a nice peaceful sleep.

On the Brightside

Nothing is better than knowing that God is there with you. Whatever might happen, just knowing that He is there helping you, making sure you have enough of whatever you need to get through, is such a comfort. If you don’t God like that you really should. He knows you and he knows what you need in every situation.  And when you make that first small step, He’ll come running to the rest of the way to you.

I woke up the same as every day and walked from home to the stop to take the bus from Moss to Oslo.  Just as the bus was approaching, I felt lightheaded and sat down on the bench, deciding to sit and rest. I’d take the next bus if I felt better or call my wife to get me if I didn’t improve. Up to this point I had been the healthiest person I knew of. I had taken two sick days in eighteen years. I was the guy who was never sick, but I starting feeling nauseous as the bus pulled up and decided to call my wife. 

The next thing I know I’m on the ground and the bus driver is standing over me asking if I am OK.  I’d passed out and hit my head on the pavement.  The bus driver helped me back up onto the bench and called my wife for me. He waited with me the few minutes it took for her to arrive, at the cost of everyone on the bus being late into Oslo. I need to remember to write to the bus company and sing his praises.

My wife drove me to the local ER here in Moss where the nurses took great care of me and tried to figure what was wrong. Nothing presented itself so they just nursed me as best they could.  When the doctor arrived, he was young and arrogant, asked me a few questions, listened to my heart and was about to send me home, telling me to call my doctor and have him figure it out.

I’m not sure what happened but he suddenly had a change of heart.  I suspect its because our friend and neighbor, who is an ER nurse arrived for her shift and saw me in the hall, seeing the state I was in she recognized that that I was not the Brian she knew and that something was seriously wrong with me. Apparently I had no color and “så ikke ut” as they say here in Norway. I need to check if this was in fact the case but something changed quickly and I was referred to the regional hospital for further examination. Whatever the details that made it happen, I have no doubt this was God at work in my situation making sure that I got what I needed and not just sent home to sit on the sofa and watch Magnum PI reruns.

My wife, who is my partner in this, drove me to the hospital and helped me get admitted.  They took blood tests and measurements and all sorts of other tests. After it was all analyzed they saw the my blood levels were low – low platelets, low white blood cells and low HB levels, I’m not sure what all that means but it isn’t anything good, I can assure you of that.

Since my lay in my blood I was admitted to the cancer and blood disease unit. My first hint as to how serious this really was.

I also developed a black eye from when I hit the ground at the bus stop.  It was quite Alex DeLarge-esque and made me feel kind of cool.

I don’t remember much more about that afternoon or evening.  I took more blood tests; my wife came back and I had an incredibly tasty meal of meat and scalloped potatoes smothered in gravy with steamed vegetables on the side. It was good enough that I can remember that among all the other things that happened and were forgotten.

On the Brightside

I passed out for no apparent reason and that lead to the doctors discovering and diagnosing this horrible disease inside of me. I’m glad something happened to attract attention to the mess brewing in my bones.  I was otherwise healthy and felt good and would never have had any reason to believe that the Leukemia was there.